Blasphemy

Pompously speaking:I'm free spirited, with a mind of my own, economically on the edge of the purchasing power parity( simply put can spend my own money), and in a nutshell headed toward where I want to be. But the realist in me urges me to stop living in denial.

Looking back, may be the present isn't what I wanted to be, but somewhere what I was and still am has shaped the present what it seems to be. The coveted life I wanted to live is left some where far behind. What matters most today is the luring hope I'm chasing. Alas, all I feel now that 'hope' is just a mirage.

Thinking of it, I feel I splurged on 'hope' way back on my journey to the possibility of success. The indulgence was so much that now I am running low on it. Its sheer pathos that there is no revival, redemption, recreation of it now 'coz what I had seem to have withered away.

When I see myself ten years before I see the same me more hopeful, full of the spirit that I have the capability to change what I do not like about my way of living or add on to the goodies of my life. I worked real hard to reach atleast the brink of that hope. I worked real hard...The change came in my way of life but not the way I wanted.
One may term it as destiny, karmas, circle of life, or anything, change came in the worst form. The good I had diminished and what I wanted to do away with grew aggressively. I'm still working hard to make things the way I want. But the more I want it, the more it comes out of my hands like sand. All I know of now, is that since 'hope' is less and the burdens far too many, its difficult to live like this. Call me pessimist, call me lost, call me anything you want to . All I know of now is that its really hard to live 'low on hope'.

I feel meek, feeble and helpless 'coz somewhere I know now things I'm born with will not change for the rest of my life and to carry the burden of it for the rest of my life is not courageous. All I can say now is that I tried.